Sadness

I couldn't damper Harper's first birthday post with the sadness that is in my heart. A week before Harper's birthday I found out that I was pregnant. Kyle and I were both shocked but thrilled. After 3 pregnancy tests and blood tests to confirm that indeed I was pregnant, my due date was set for October 2, 2010. We started to have talks of a new baby and shared the news with family and friends.

On Wednesday of this week I had a miscarriage. I am absolutely devastated. In a sense I had thought that something was a little off about this pregnancy. I started to spot at Harper's birthday party and it had continued for a couple of weeks. It was never very heavy but it was enough to scare me. I had several blood tests but my numbers were doubling and that was making me feel so much better. That all changed when I was at work on Wednesday. I started to bleed really heavily. It was awful. Kyle and I had to go the emergency room and we were there for several hours. The past 2 days have been awful. I haven't been at work. I'm waiting to find out if I have to have a D&C. I am angry. At myself. At my body.

Today I am starting to process all that has happened. I'm having a hard time dealing with the sadness. The worst part is when people try to talk to me about it. Please don't take this wrong but I really don't want to hear that it is for the best or that there must have been something wrong with the baby. I would just rather not talk about it at all.

The only things getting me through are Kyle and Harper. She is my joy. I'm so thankful that I have her. I don't know how women who don't have children get through the grief. I will always remember the baby that would have been born in October. Who would have been my little pumpkin.